I haven't updated in a really long time.
I think it's mainly because I have never before felt so much like I don't matter to anyone.
And it really upsets me.

So I got into the honors program at Delaware with a $10,000/year scholarship.
I won't be going, but it's nice to know.

2 for 2.
8 to go.

I knew I never shouold have read The Bell Jar.

At least I can move on.

Yeah.. that's it.

Go to your iTunes playlist and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

1. What do you think of me, ipod?
The Space Between- Dave Matthews Band

2. Will I have a happy life?
Feels Like Home- Leann Rimes

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Summer, Highland Falls- Billy Joel <3

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Hear My Song- Songs from a New World (I'm gonna take that as a no)

5. What does Santa Claus think of me?
Living in Fast Forward- Kenny Chesney

6. How can I make myself happy?
Black Cadillacs- Modest Mouse

7. What should I do with my life?
Madman Across the Water- Elton John

8. Why must life be so full of pain?
Belly Full of Kerosene- Hidden in Plain View
(It's that simple kids.. just lay off the kerosene!)

9. How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Minor Thing- RHCP

10. Will I ever have children?
Oklahoma-Texas Line- Rascal Flatts

11. Will I die happy?
Piece of My Heart- Faith Hill
(lookin' good..)

12. Can you give me some good advice?
Love the One You're With- Crosby Stills and Young
(EXACTLY!!!!!!)

13. Do you know where your children are?
Everyday- DMB

14. What do you think happiness is?
Last Train Home- Lost Prophets

I'm starting to regret my New Years' Resolution... you know.. that one that said I was going to completely change who I am?


I wish I could just settle for once.

I love practicing, I really do. It's really a shame how much it hurts. I actually think I played for like an hour and a half this afternoon and as wonderful as it was, I am in so much immense pain. My wrist is absolutely throbbing. It's unbelievable. I can't stand this.. I think I'm going to look into some sort of prosthesis.. can you even do that? God.. that's ridiculous. But yeah, I all of a sudden have like mastered the third movement of Mozart's Clarinet Concerto and I'm just like.. sweet. It may even be worth the pain.

Plan for the evening:

8:25-8:40- Hair.
8:40-9:00- Read a chapter of the Euro review book.
9:00-10:00- SCRUBS SEASON PREMIERE!
10:00-10:20- Study a little more.
10:20-10:35- Write in my journal.
10:35-11:00- Read Pride and Prejudice.
Sleep.

I like that.

snowbunny11688: y not
snowbunny11688: its a new yr
snowbunny11688: be a new jen
snowbunny11688: a spontaneous brave jen

That's all I have to say.

In the year 2006 I resolve to: Stop being a productive member of society. Get your resolution here

Happy New Year kids.. this is the big year!

I need to be slapped.
Maybe then I'll grow a backbone.

Now is one of those times that I just want to be anywhere but here.



Step back for a moment
and watch what's going on around you.
You're so concerned with pleasing everyone-
What about you?

[P E O P L E]
1. Best friends? jess, erin, jaime
2. Best boyfriend/girlfriend? i only had one, so i'm guessing it was kai
3. Lost any friends? yes
4. Gained any friends? most def
5. Met a new good friend? for sure

[P L A C E S]

1. Went out of the country? mexico baby!
2. Moved? no
3. New school? no
4. How many times on an airplane? home from seattle, to georgia, california and home, to and from arizona, to and from acapulco
5. Road trips? um, sorta haha

[Y O U]

1. Have you changed? yeah
2. New look? a little bit
3. Any new additions? um no?
4. Biggest conflict this year? handling stress
5. Most depressed time this year? hmm, probably around january

[S E A S O N S]

1. Favorite Season? spring
2. Least favorite season? winter
3. Good birthday? pretty good!
4. Any snow this year? psh. unfortunately
5. Highest temperature? it was like ungodly

[F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S]

Snuck out- no
Met a person who will change ur life: l believe so
Kept your resolution-probably not since i can't remember it
Got arrested- nope
Had a first something- yes
Drank Alcohol- yes
Smoked weed/drugs- no
Did anything illegal- yea
Kissed someone- um
Had a crush- yes
Liked someone who didn't like you- we'll soon see
Lost a family member- yes
Got bad grades- i'm in bc calc.. enough said.
Got suspended- nope
Moved states- no
Got on myspace- haha yes
Learned an instrument- saxophone.. again. and trumpet (haha deb)
Started a band- no
Spent over 1 million dollars- i wish
Went streaking- no
Done something you shouldn't have- probably
Kept a secret- yes
Told a secret- don't think so
Done something you totally regret- no
Changed your view on things- yeah- i'm really trying to think things through more even though that's the last thing i need to do

So I basically just had an epiphany.

I used to be under the impression that the condition of my room was completely reflective of my mood. If I was happy, my room was clean.. sad, messy. etc.

But I was just cleaning and I was having a really shitty day and I know that cleaning always makes me feel better, but like, this is INSANELY better. As a result, I now think that my MOOD is reflective of the condition of my room. All day it was a disaster, so naturally I was too. Now it's clean and I'm ready to take on anything.

So I'm going to the gym.

Just seeing "Thursday, November 15, 2005" on my computer is absolutely terrifying.

I want to get in so badly it hurts.
I'm so anxious, I can't sleep.
When I do, I wake up crying because my nightmares scare me so much.
While I am awake, which is pretty much always, I shake. Constantly.
Surprisingly the only thing that has caused me to calm down lately has been calculus. I was very calm sitting and doing that today. As a result, I did about three hours worth.
And I'm a little baby when it comes to telling people how I feel.
I'm thinking he's getting the idea and doesn't really seem to be shying away, actually, almost the opposite, so I guess I can take that as a good sign.
I really do want that stability too.
Someone to hold my hand.

Even the fiercest of independents needs some love now and again.

When I was getting changed today, I realized that my favorite pair of jeans has a hole in them.
I cried for about an hour.
I need some emotional stability. This is ridiculous.

1. Go into your livejournal archive
2. Find your 23rd post. (or for new lj'ers make it ur 5th post - this shall be the new law and all shall obey it.)
3. Find your 5th sentence (or closest to it.)
4. Post the text of your sentence in this post along with these instructions.
5. Tag 5 people on your friends list.

"Do you mean the subway above the ground or below the ground?... It makes a big difference."
Hahahhahaha Jaime's Sweet 16!!!! Awwww


I tag... Jaime, Maggie, Zuha, Jamie and Megan!